Today I was met with an invitation to provide a copy of my resume in hopes that I might have additional access to opportunities that have shown themselves. It was during a conversation that I was overheard, by wife that I was uncomfortable with the possibility the possible jobs may involve travel. True, through my tenure, I have experienced days and weeks on the road taking their toll physically and spiritually, rendering my current selection process to those careers opportunities allowing for a local corporate/company role. Selfish? In light of the fact I was only seeking non-travel positions, yes maybe. I was thinking more of self preservation. My wife, I believe, took it as a sign of pride. Another character trait I cannot afford at this time.
I previously had written "get over it" but the months are beginning to take a toll on my marriage. I perceived (no spoken words mind you) from this situation today, my understanding and supportive wife displaying signs of doubt. Doubt is probably one of the worst infectious enemies of the soul; Doubt, a status between unbelief and , involves certainty or undistrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision ... . Doubt, was attempting to gain access to our relationship and throwing a temporary weight that I felt today. My intent, all along, was to provide the resume but, because I stated a distaste for possible travel, I introduced a character flaw that I am not proud of.
Doubt has a brother despair. I love my wife with all my heart. I love my family, both extended and blood. No man plans for such thoughts to enter his domain but, if they do, both man and family must always remember what Cezar Chavez once said:
“If we draw our strengths from the very despair ( or doubt) in which we have been forced to live, we CAN endure" and will.
My love for wife and family will endure. I will regain new strength from this temporary setback and grow. God looks on those who help themselves, and too throw down the enemy of doubt and despair.
I shall endure.